We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
