Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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