It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
