I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Randomize
