So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"