Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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