I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
