where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
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Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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