I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
