I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I wish they made helmets for livers.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
