All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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