I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I checked into jail on foursquare
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
