The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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