i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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