All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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