Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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