It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
