I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
