Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Randomize
