I was born with a shot glass in my hand
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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