this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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