I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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