i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
