i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
