apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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