Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
