We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
One girl and one boy is just not enough.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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