when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Randomize
