I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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