You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Randomize
