I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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