dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
