Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
