You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
