how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.