matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..