I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
