Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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