My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
