Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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