I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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