In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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