TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
