im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize