you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I just found puke in my bra..
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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