id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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