turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
