apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
