There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
