I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
