I can text with my tongue
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
