I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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