Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
