I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Randomize
