we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize